more consistent sexuality

i'm looking for more consistent sexuality. overall i prefer women but i have got my eye on the same sex too. i'm not saying there's anything wrong with bisexuality. in fact if i had to judge any sexuality i would say bisexuality or even pansexuality is the best because it gives u the widest understanding of sexuality & most options. but really whatever sexuality u are it's all equally good. getting back to my point, there are times when i'm in the mood sexually for the opposite sex, & sometimes there are times i'm in the mood sexually for the same sex. it's rarely both at the same time. what happens if i'm with someone i love & i'm in love with, who will never be anyone of the same sex, & i wakeup 1 morning & i'm in the mood for some dick? it would go against my special friendship or at least get in the way, & it would be unfair to her because she would deserve more of me than this including sexually. even speaking about right now in my ultimate desires for my life, same sex fantasies don't do much to help me towards those goals. i have got social anxiety with the opposite sex especially anyone i could be with, which is why i think fantasizing about guys is a way to cope with that anxiety while still being sexual. i get it, attraction to the same sex is ok, so is going for it. also i get sexuality is complicated & being in the mood for 1 at 1 time then all of a sudden being in the mood for the other is "allowed." but it doesn't make life any easier or happier for me & i don't see any advantage for dealing with this difficulty. i don't want this.

You are still struggling with the social imperatives and biases around human sexuality and using the model you and all the rest of us were taught to judge what you should be doing to improve your life. Questioning the motives for your attraction to a man or a woman or the reasons behind them is probably not going to be constructive, It wont bring any clarity to the search for a "more consistent sexuality" because there is no such thing. Why? You have surmised that you have two sides, a straight side and a gay side, and together they make you bi. That is entirely incorrect, but it is what we are taught. You are bisexual, and that means you are able to be both sexually and emotionally attracted to men and women.

This is a problem for you, because it is for most of us, we were raised to see love and commitment as what we have with women as men, and the social imperative to marry a woman is huge. There is also a moral sense in which you probably don't want to be in a gay couple, and in which this would be a failure on some level. That was my feeling for a long time, that of my closest gay and bi friends, so you are not alone. Here's the thing, you can't decide that you're only going to have sex with men, not love or friendship that is another closet and another compartmentalization. Looking for love only with women, rules out possible growth and it also means you have turned this into a way to be happiest fastest and hope the cock is phase. I would say it is time to open yourself to the possibility that love can exist in any setting, be given by people and to people I would have passed by by superficial judgments I internalised from society.

The feelings of shame, or awkwardness, or anxiety are not going to go away because you have found the explanations that make it something that is mental or not really related to you. Those explanations are only to be found with people who want to hurt you. I have a few different suggestions. Your awkwardness around women is socio cultural, the flip side of that is violence against women (this exists in all patriarchal cultures), which is to say that it is driving you to men, that is far too convenient, because in this construct you are neither responsible for being shy nor fleeing to men. You repress your interest in men, as did we all, and then when it comes out, it comes out. There is shame because it is often compulsive and that makes us feel very insecure again.

The rest of the hypotheticals are the last things you need to worry about. These are not the issues. The issues are lack of emotional awareness, self knowledge, self worth, and a better way to organize your life. Internalized homophobia, Misogyny, Class aspirations, cultural; difference, all these are topics to bring up with your doctor, therapist or friends.

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