New and nervous
Hi!My husband and I are mid forties, he's french, I'm american, and we live in France. We have been together for 23 years.We've considered the "swinger" type of lifestyle for a couple of years, and just recently decided to try entering this community and see if it interests us.So far we have been to one club, and we didn't like it. But it may have been a bad choice (the place was very small, a bit trashy and cheap, and it was a "mixed" evening, with mostly single guys). We're thinking we might need to simply find groups or places that correspond more to our tastes.
I just am very nervous about it, I admit. Intellectually, the idea makes sense, it sounds great, and even my own parents were doing this stuff when I was a child (it was the early '70's, almost everyone in Calif. was....) , but physically, it is another story!
I so far have a deep repulsion/fear reflex in me at the idea of sex with strangers. My husband and I have great sex and are deeply in love, and I have no problem with him being with another woman (especially if it is not hidden or secretive), I just do not get turned on at all at the idea of doing it myself.
I have been thinking that it is a problem of trust, and perhaps if I could have time to talk to others, get to know couples, become friends a bit, then I would feel more free and open with them.
But the experience we had last weekend made it look like nobody "talks" or gets to know anyone- it is just straight to sex with no exchange of names even! Everyone remains strangers.
I was wondering if that is predominant in the world of swingers? Or is there some that like to approach a bit slower? Is that impossible to find?
The aggressivity is a bit much for a newbie like me, I guess. It doesn't turn me on.
-So then my question is- is it common to have a fear like this? Did anyone else start out with such reticence and then get over it with experience?Because I am going to force myself, hoping to get over it, but I am being quite violent with my emotions- to the point I throw up and tremble. It would help if I hear that others were able to make it past that...Thanks for any advice, anecdotes, opinions, or whatever you can offer!
Dear BlueJoy,
Coming from a man's perspective, we are not as shy about public displays of nudity. Yes, I am new, and am also nervous. But, I come from a 19 year marriage and have not had Sex with my wife for 2 years. I have only Fucked my wife, so it means that I have not had sex, well, in two years. I use my hand, all the time, but would love to have more. I am interested in Internet sex, either with a woman alone, or with a couple. It is normal to be nervous. In France, I am sure that there are more places where it is acceptable to be nude, is that true? If you have been nude in public, then having sexual relations with someone else should not be too difficult to become involved with another couple, especially if your husband is allowing you to have sex with another man. Yes, he gets the pleasure of another woman, but he also has to know that you are getting banged by a Penis, that is not his. It always puts someone in a vulnerable spot. What happens if your partner prefers having sex with that other person over you? Well, that is what you are opening up to.
I am personally only here to have camera sex, or to watch a woman self pleasure herself or to watch a couple have sex. You are safe with me, you live in France, and I live in America. I will not be visiting France any time soon, so I am not available for a swing.
I do hope that this helps a little bit. I would be available for a private chat. Feel free to leave me a message.
Sincerely, Phil.
Well, Phil- Nudity is not a problem for me- it is true that it is less taboo in France, and we go to nude beaches.
But it looks like your situation and mine are different. I am sexually fulfilled, I have a very active sex life with my husband.I don't feel any urge to have sexual encounters with anyone else (online or in person). In fact, the very thought of doing so makes me feel sick to my stomach and very scared. I do not feel okay with having a strange man put any part of his body in any of my orifices.I do not feel okay with being an object for another person. I do not feel okay with being intimate with a person who doesn't give a crap about me. It doesn't sound fun. At all.
I don't care if he does it with someone else- that is his business, and I understand that for men, it is not a question of being invaded, or penetrated (unless we're talking homosexual intercourse, which he is not interested in)..... so that makes him somewhat less vulnerable.
Though I have researched a bit and found that is very common to have reluctant wives end up liking this activity more than the husband eventually, at this point, I find that very hard to expect for me.
I will not be contacting you privately. I guess the online sites are just as bad as the clubs.No intelligent discussion on this subject possible here???
Dear BlueJoy,
I understand your point. I enjoy having a conversation and a relationship with someone. As you said, some women can get into the swinger lifestyle and enjoy it, but most people, swingers, men are interested in the sex aspect of the swinger lifestyle. It may be that you can get into swinging, or you just may need to become close enough to a couple to bring up swinging with them. I do wish you the best of luck in whichever avenue you and your husband decide to take.
Sincerely, Phil.
Hi!My husband and I are mid forties, he's french, I'm american, and we live in France. We have been together for 23 years.We've considered the "swinger" type of lifestyle for a couple of years, and just recently decided to try entering this community and see if it interests us.So far we have been to one club, and we didn't like it. But it may have been a bad choice (the place was very small, a bit trashy and cheap, and it was a "mixed" evening, with mostly single guys). We're thinking we might need to simply find groups or places that correspond more to our tastes.I just am very nervous about it, I admit. Intellectually, the idea makes sense, it sounds great, and even my own parents were doing this stuff when I was a child (it was the early '70's, almost everyone in Calif. was....) , but physically, it is another story!I so far have a deep repulsion/fear reflex in me at the idea of sex with strangers. My husband and I have great sex and are deeply in love, and I have no problem with him being with another woman (especially if it is not hidden or secretive), I just do not get turned on at all at the idea of doing it myself.I have been thinking that it is a problem of trust, and perhaps if I could have time to talk to others, get to know couples, become friends a bit, then I would feel more free and open with them.But the experience we had last weekend made it look like nobody "talks" or gets to know anyone- it is just straight to sex with no exchange of names even! Everyone remains strangers.I was wondering if that is predominant in the world of swingers? Or is there some that like to approach a bit slower? Is that impossible to find?The aggressivity is a bit much for a newbie like me, I guess. It doesn't turn me on.-So then my question is- is it common to have a fear like this? Did anyone else start out with such reticence and then get over it with experience?Because I am going to force myself, hoping to get over it, but I am being quite violent with my emotions- to the point I throw up and tremble. It would help if I hear that others were able to make it past that...Thanks for any advice, anecdotes, opinions, or whatever you can offer!
My wife was the same, for about 10 minutes as we all naked in the swingers club. But she went into a free for all room with a guy and was surrounded by four others in about 30 seconds. And she loved every minute of them. So, she quickly got over it and now we go whenever she feels the urge - which is about once a month, when she needs multiple guys all at once.
Well, we went to another club, though I was really nervous about it. It was actually a REALLY great experience!Nothing like the first place- it was all couples, and all a very friendly group. I never thought I'd begin to relate to the idea of sex as a sort of social recreation- but now I do. I see how it is fun play with others.We did not actually do anything with anyone else, it remained between my husband and I. But I think next time, that will not be the case. Or not. I don't know. The thing is, this place felt safer than a normal dance club- in the sense that you can dress as you want, dance as you want, and nobody is going to be pawing you in the crowd unless you specifically give permission- unlike other places where drunken groups of young guys feel you up as you walk by, and you have to restrain from letting go and dancing in any way that might seem sexy.
-and we're still heated up the next day, already had sex twice this morning. I am a fan now, this is fun- and I am surprised to say, good for our relationship! I was struggling with all kinds of insecurities before.
An interesting aspect is the way the whole environment seems to be really female-powered. The women have the upper hand there, in a way that I did not comprehend before. A nice revelation on what was, in France "la Journee de la Femme" -Women's Day.:D
That is may natural when you are going to have sex with another for first time. I am going to explain about a girl like you who was being nervous by his first night with me at our local swinger club as Eyz Wide Shut and I found this club through their site as eyzwideshut.com. That time she was being nervous primarily and after some time everything was fine. That means you are new means not that you should be fear and create some positive sense and after that you find everything will be normal.
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